You know what your boundaries are.
You've thought them through. Named them. Maybe even rehearsed what you'd say.
And yet… when the moment comes, something takes over.
You over-explain. You soften. You say yes when you meant no. You send the email, then immediately regret it.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to hear something important:
You're not bad at boundaries. You're not weak. And this isn't a willpower problem.
It's a nervous system problem.
And once you understand that, everything shifts.
Listen to the Podcast Episode Here👇
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard for Business Owners
As business owners, we're constantly navigating relationships—with clients, collaborators, team members, family, and ourselves.
Boundaries come up everywhere:
- A client asks for "just one more thing" outside the scope
- Someone emails expecting an immediate response
- You're asked to take on a project that doesn't align with your capacity
- A conversation gets uncomfortable and you feel the urge to smooth it over
You know the boundary. But in the moment, your body takes over.
You people-please. You freeze. You say yes just to make the discomfort stop.
And afterward, you wonder—why do I keep doing this?
Here's why: your nervous system is running the show.
The Real Reason You Can't Hold Boundaries When You're Overwhelmed
When your nervous system is dysregulated—when you're stressed, stretched thin, or running on empty—it shifts into survival mode.
And survival mode has one priority: keep you safe.
But here's the catch. Your brain defines "safe" as connected. Accepted. Not rejected.
So when you even think about setting a boundary, your system reads it as a threat.
What if they get upset?What if I lose the client?What if they think I'm difficult?
Suddenly, saying no feels dangerous—even when logically, you know it's fine.
And there's more.
Overwhelm shrinks your window of tolerance. You have less capacity to handle discomfort. So even a small boundary—something that would normally feel manageable—suddenly feels like a massive confrontation.
Your brain starts scanning for threats everywhere. That email in your inbox? Before you've even read it, your body is already bracing.
This isn't weakness. This is biology.
The painful irony? The moments you most need boundaries are the moments your body is least equipped to hold them.
The Shift: Stop Forcing, Start Training
So what do we do?
We stop trying to force "better choices."
We start training safety—so boundaries become possible in real moments.
This isn't about pushing through. It's about working with your nervous system instead of against it.
I developed a five-step framework to help me do exactly that. It's been a game-changer—for me and for the clients I've shared it with.
Here's how it works.
5 Steps to Hold Boundaries as a Business Owner (Even When It Feels Hard)
Step 1: Identify the Threat Prediction
Your brain is a prediction machine. In boundary moments, it's not just asking "What do I want to say?"—it's asking "What will this cost me?"
Before you react, pause and ask yourself:
What is my brain predicting will happen if I hold this boundary?
Maybe it's:
- They'll be upset with me
- I'll lose the client
- They'll think I'm selfish
- I'll disappoint them
We're not judging the prediction. We're just naming it—like reading the weather.
The phrase for this step: "My brain is predicting ______."
That tiny act of naming creates space between you and the reaction. And that space is where choice lives.
Step 2: Spot Your Protection Strategy
Now look at how your body usually responds when that fear gets activated.
Do you:
- Say yes when you mean no?
- Over-explain or justify?
- Avoid the conversation altogether?
- Get defensive or snappy?
- Over-give so no one can call you selfish?
Whatever your pattern—it's not a flaw. It's a safety strategy. Your nervous system's way of preventing the outcome it's afraid of.
When you can see it with compassion instead of judgment, something shifts. You stop fighting yourself and start working with your system.
The phrase for this step: "When I feel this threat, my body tries to protect me by ______."
Step 3: Run a Micro-Boundary Experiment
Here's the truth: your nervous system doesn't update through insight. It updates through experience.
You can understand boundaries perfectly. But until your body has safe experiences of holding one, the pattern won't shift.
So we start small.
A micro-boundary experiment is a low-stakes opportunity to teach your nervous system: I can do this—and I'm still okay.
What does a clean boundary sound like?
Short. Clear. Kind. Matter-of-fact.
No over-explaining. No emotional essay. No apology parade.
A few examples:
- Email: "Thanks for sending this over. I'll get back to you by Thursday."
- Scope creep: "That's outside what we're working on together, but I can offer this instead."
- Time: "I'm not available tonight—would Tuesday or Thursday work?"
- Social: "I'm going to pass this time, but thank you for thinking of me."
And one I personally love when you're tempted to respond to something stressful immediately:
"Thanks for reaching out. I'll respond once I've had time to look at this properly."
Or simply: "Let me get back to you on that."
No justification. No defense. Just clean, kind, and clear.
Step 4: Body-Based Support
You can say the perfect words and still feel like you're falling apart inside.
So this step isn't about eliminating discomfort—it's about staying present through it.
Three tools that help:
Orienting: Look around the room. Name five things you can see. This signals safety to your nervous system.
Long exhale: Breathe in normally, then let your exhale be longer. Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw.
Grounding through your feet: Press your feet into the floor for ten seconds. Feel the support beneath you.
These aren't just nice ideas. This is how your nervous system learns it can stay with you—even in hard moments.
Step 5: Log the Evidence
This step is what turns one good boundary into lasting change.
Your nervous system learns through evidence. So after you hold a boundary—no matter how small—reflect:
- What was the boundary?
- What did I predict would happen?
- What actually happened?
- What did I feel in my body before and after?
- What does this teach my nervous system?
Even if the outcome wasn't perfect, you gather evidence:
I survived the discomfort.I didn't spiral.I held the line.It wasn't as bad as my brain predicted.
This is how your body catches up to what your mind already knows—one experience at a time.
You Don't Need More Willpower. You Need Your Body to Believe Boundaries Are Safe.
Setting boundaries as a business owner isn't about being harsh or rigid.
It's about building enough internal safety that clear, kind, confident boundaries become your new normal.
We don't force change. We train safety.
And that's what makes new choices possible.
Download the Free Guide
I created a free guide that walks you through all five steps: 5 Steps for When You Know Your Boundaries—But Can't Hold Them.
It's not a "read once and forget" kind of guide. It's designed to be used in real moments—when a client asks for more, when a conversation feels hard, when you notice that familiar urge to over-explain or give in.
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